A thousand pardons good audience. Last week’s episode of “All My Blogren” was interrupted when an attempt to replace a garbage disposal revealed the previous plumbing beneath my sink had been entirely glued into place by some previous occupant. Resulting in a need to retrofit the entire thing. This unfortunate turn of events interacted with a busy work schedule and a healthy dusting of MacGuffin, to entirely divert my attention. But all this chaos had particularly good timing as last week was quite boring and had no significant: updates, bookends, milestones, landmarks, achievements of any kind what so ever. That being said, let us take a moment to behold the greatest and most wonderful SLS employee of all time.
SOREN ACTUAL: Well, the day has come, you can’t put off the self-interview any longer, have you decided upon a style.
SOREN PRIME: Look I don’t know man, why’d you have to go and raise everyone’s expectations? Why not go through life like we always do, setting the bar as low as possible so that everyone is awestruck when you manage to roll out of bed without managing to bring about the apocalypse.
SOREN ACTUAL: Well, to be fair I am fairly amazed by that myself.
SOREN PRIME: Your faith is inspiring.
SOREN ACTUAL: So what do you actually do around here?
SOREN PRIME: Look around you, everything the blog touches, is our kingdom.
SOREN ACTUAL: Wow, what about that shadowy place over there?
SOREN PRIME: No, you must never go there.
SOREN ACTUAL: Why not?
SOREN PRIME: That’s where Grant keeps the non-sequitors[SN1]
SOREN ACTUAL: Ah, so that’s the heart of the political grievances the Whigs have with the Tories.
SOREN PRIME: So, besides the whole blog thing, what do you do?
SOREN ACTUAL: Animation, education, taxation, sanitation, conservation. Alright, so some of that may be an exaggeration. But I did do animation. And I am angling for a position of grizzled sage. It’s a great job because you get a lot of prestige in exchange for dispensing vague and ultimately meaningless platitudes.
SOREN PRIME: What project are you most looking forward too?
SOREN ACTUAL: SLS Blog the musical, as portrayed with a Pac-man machinima.
SOREN PRIME: How did you first meet your fellow SLS members?
SOREN ACTUAL: I first met Laura before she joined SLS. At the time she was a cabaret dance working in Baton Rouge. She had eyes that sparkled and legs that seemed to go on forever. But that’s largely because they’d been mangled in a car accident and ended up in the shape of the infinity symbol. Wait… that was Max… I’m fairly certain Laura is my incestuous imaginary Siamese twin. Emily I met in ten years prior at a think tank looking into the possibility of using pasta as a substitute for human hair and dental floss. Josh is actually a sentient pin-ball machine, so I feel like the term “meet” may not entirely be appropriate. Vicente and I met at a convention for generic introduction enthusiasts. I haven’t actually met Daniel or Grant yet. There’s actually an ancient prophecy that when I meet them both, Papa Johns will have a 32% off any order coupon released. So, I’ve been trying to put off meeting them till I’ve got like a sufficiently sized part or event to maximize my value with that coupon.
SOREN PRIME: Do you have any final thoughts?
SOREN ACTUAL: Eponymous!