An Unexpected Interview

While (ideally) enjoyable and often farcical, one thing most people might not realize about Hoboken’s Heroes is that it is, in fact, based on true events.  Of course, Hobokentownlandvilleshireburg-montboroughfordfieldprecinctcitysteadportcountythorpeprincipalityprefectureplace’s name is a bit shorter in real life, and we stretched the truth a little: Boris can only actually communicate through sign language.  With those few exceptions, many of the events and story elements are actually based on real people, with very real aspirations.  Pokémon had to get the idea for Team Rocket somewhere, right?

 In celebration of the release of the 3rd episode, however, we wanted to draw the spotlight onto the lesser known group (not a cult), New Switzerland.  They do exist.  They do worship olive oil.  And, they do live mostly underground, which is maybe why you don’t run into them that often.   Stage Left Studios is proud to present an inside scoop on what really goes down in New Switzerland, as we were able to track down (after she glomped us in enthusiasm) the unstoppable force of bubbly personality herself, Oilkeeper Tourguide.  Ladies and gentlemen, the full interview, recorded live, is below.

SLS: Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with us, Miss Tourguide.

Tourguide: No problem, [censored]!  I’m always happy to talk about New Switzerland!   And Priestess Athena!  She’s great!  You’ve met her, right?!

SLS: Well, uh, not yet.  We haven’t had time yet.

Tourguide: [Censored]!  You guys haven’t met her, yet?!  Forget the interview!  Let’s go find the Priestess!!  I know where she is every single second of every day!

SLS: Oh, um, okay—?

Tourguide: Stop talking!  Hahaha!  Let’s go!!

SLS: Sure.  Um...okay.  Could we maybe do the interview on the way? 

Tourguide: [Censored], yeah! [Censored] [Censored]!  What do you want to know?!  I know everything about New Switzerland!  And every New Switzerland Site!  And everyone that needs to be silenced!

SLS: What?

Tourguide: What’s your first question?! 

SLS: Um...could you tell us a little bit about how New Switzerland was formed?

Tourguide: Sure thing, [censored]!  As you most likely can guess, New Switzerland was started back in the days of the pesky counterculture by Priestess Athena and “He Who Must Not Be Named Lest He Be Named By Us Naming His Name.”

SLS: Sorry, who?

Tourguide: Oh, “He Who Must Not Be Named Lest He Be Named By Us Naming His Name?!”  We don’t speak of him anymore!  Obviously!  He’s been exiled!  And expatriated!

SLS: Oh, well, what happened?

Tourguide: Haha, yeah, we don’t speak of that either!  I wouldn’t ask too much about it if I were you!  That’s a good way to get yourself a visit to the Fun Room!

SLS: The Fun Room?

Tourguide: Yeah!  Contrary to what you might think, it’s not actually that fun your first time!  But you learn to love it really quickly!  I should know!  I’ve been loads of times!  Now I love it!  In fact, you should totally ask more questions!

SLS: Um, that’s okay, I think we have another topic here...let’s see...How did you yourself become involved with New Switzerland?

Tourguide: Oh!  Moi?!  [Censored]!  It’s hard to even remember what my life was like before Priestess Athena laid her love inside me and let me drink the oils of her knowledge!  I had some silly job like shoveling roadkill for the county and whatnot...and then it rained one day and I didn’t have an umbrella!  And then Priestess Athena was there!  And she did have an umbrella and was all, “Would you like to borrow this umbrella while you dispose of that decomposing ocelot?”  And I said, “[Censored] yeah I would, kind, strange, and profusely green lady!”  And then she let me have the umbrella!  And then I shoveled that ocelot so hard!  It was great!  And then the next day I woke up in New Switzerland!

SLS: Oh—that’s...okay.  That’s a little surprising.  I thought you would have been doing something with giving tours somewhere.

Tourguide: YOU’D THINK SO, WOULDN’T YOU!!!  HAHAHA!!  BUT FOR SOME REASON THE [CENSORED] SMITHSONIAN SAYS I’M TOO ABRASIVE TO BE A TOURGUIDE!!!  I CAN’T IMAGINE WHERE THE [CENSORED] THEY GOT AN IDEA LIKE THAT!!!

SLS: ...Us neither.  You’re...you’re excellent.

Tourguide: Thank you!  But yeah, the only place that ever offered me a job was the MoMA, and no matter how much one wants to Tourguide, you can’t show people [censored] and call it art!

SLS: Wow.  That’s a pretty strong opinion.

Tourguide: Well, I am a pretty strong lady!  Hahaha!  You ever been to the MoMA?

SLS: Twice?  We think?

Tourguide: You’re part of the problem.

(Awkward Silence)

Tourguide: Oh, hey!  We’re at the church!  Priestess Athena should be right inside.  You ready?!

SLS: Yeah, we’re just about done, actually.  Would you might if we did the lightning round really quickly?

Tourguide: That sounds great!  I love answering questions very quickly!

SLS: Cool.  Now, uh...our writers are lazy, so bear with us, but we actually just have here the ten questions from “Inside the Actors Studio.”

Tourguide: I don’t know what that is!

SLS: Awesome.  Okay.  What is your favorite word?

Tourguide: [Censored]!

SLS: What is your least favorite word?

Tourguide: Freedom!

SLS: What turns you on?

Tourguide: Priestess Athena!

SLS: What turns you off?

Tourguide: The [Censored] MoMA!!

SLS: What sound do you love?

Tourguide: Olive oil!

SLS: What sound do you hate?

Tourguide: Dissenters!

SLS: What is your favorite curse word?

Tourguide: Dagnabbit!

SLS: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

Tourguide: That’s easy!  Campaign management!  If there’s anybody who would make a great President and Ruler of the No Longer Free World, it’s Priestess Athena!  #ATHENA2016

SLS: What profession would you not like to do?

Tourguide: Cats!

SLS: If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

Tourguide: Heaven is pretty infinitely big, Tourguide...ready to give a tour of it?!?!

SLS: Well, thank you Miss—Tourguide, we guess, um...do you have a first name?

Tourguide: Oilkeeper.

SLS: No, your real name?

Tourguide: I don’t remember it anymore!

SLS: Great.  Well, thank you, Oilkeeper Tourguide.  I guess let’s go meet Priestess Athena.

Tourguide: AWESOME!!!  LET’S GO!!!  Now, if the police do come looking for you, rest assured that we’ll simply send them away, we have many Oilkeepers trained in the art of deflecting the authorities.

SLS: What?

(The footage ends)

Come to think of it...they’re not back yet.

...

We should probably send somebody to check on them.